Friday, December 15, 2006
The Alphabet and Trust
You know when something happens, that just changes everything... You are going about your day, then someone says something and those few words can shift your entire perspective on your day. It can shift your feelings a full 180 and suddenly you don't feel okay anymore. I had on of those mornings. I was fine until about 10:30am. A friend then proceeded to tell me that something I had told her about had really bothered her. I had told her a secret about me and somebody else and she didn't know what to do with it. She could relate to the problems that both of us were having and she didn't know what to do about these feelings she was having. She also mentioned the pattern I am in and how I can't seem to get out of it. This one really hit home, everything she said made me realize how real the situation was that I was in. Soon enough, the person we had been talking about I talked to and was the worst person to me. Funny thing is, I knew it wasn't about me. It wasn't about the things I had done. It was about his own issues, his own shit. Yet, everything that was going wrong with him, and his own guilt for the situation led him to blame me for everything. He made me feel like shit because he was. Or, I assume this was the deal. I was really upset for a good portion of the morning. I had to go take an exam, which proved to turn out alright. But, this stuck with me, even after speaking to a friend about it. So, after class, I sat outside of my school on a bench and thought. I smoked and thought and thought. And I realized, (after much deliberation about my own ideas and others) that I was letting this person get to me. They were hurting me, and people can only hurt you if you let them. I wasn't going to let this person hurt me. All i wanted to do was be there for that person. I wanted to be there when they needed someone to talk to, when they finally decided to open up, and talk to someone. I was willing to be there. I knew this person wanted me to be there for that too. But once they got a positive reaction out of me, one I finally opened up to them...well they freaked out. Realized that they suddenly were in a position of easily being hurt by me and ran away. That's fine. I have done it many many times. I understand. I don't trust people because they hurt me. But, like I said, I let them hurt me. I don't mean to sound like a masochist. I don't blame it all on me. But, really, if you don't want to be hurt by something, then don't let that person hurt you. They can scream at you, call you names, blame you for everything, but in the end, it's not about you. It's about their projections on you. (Well, that is to say, if you haven't done something terrible or hurtful). I guess my point here is, that no matter what happens, no matter how bad someone will hurt you - and they will - it's going to be okay. Trust is the biggest thing to have. If you don't trust others, it means you don't trust yourself. And, if you don't trust yourself. Well, then what are you doing really? In order to get anywhere, (and by anywhere I mean in order to grow, mature etc...) then you need to learn to trust yourself, and you need to learn to trust others. We can't be narcissistic enough to think we can do everything ourselves, that we can grow and mature without the help of others. Don't get me wrong, we needn't rely fully on others, in fact just the opposite, we can mostly only rely on ourselves. But, in the big picture, you must trust another human being, you must connect with another human being in order to live. To truly live.