Monday, December 25, 2006

R.I.P. Austin

So a friend of mine died a few days ago
of a heroin overdose
it was his first time doing it ever
He was not a junkie
and he rarely did drugs
he just wanted to have a good time
which obviously didn't end up being that way
His name was Austin and he was such a brilliant, artistic, creative amazing and funny person. We will all miss him so much.
For those of you that knew him
his funeral is on Thursday
there is a showing from 10-12 and a service will be held at 2:30
at Gold Hill on 29th and Wadsworth.

If you knew Austin feel free to leave any comments or memories of him on here.

I remember a party at his house, all the christmas lights and the couch outside, the travelers Mark and what's her name....they were in town and we were all drinking wine out of the bottle and smoking cigars, julia and I had a dance party in the living room and Austin and I spent a long time drawing with pen and ink. I got ink all over my hands that night and I remember I didn't want it to come off because I wanted to remember that forever. We drew so many pictures and now I don't know what happened to them. I slept in his bed that night and woke up with him laughing at me because I ended up on his floor in the morning. He was such a good friend. So respectful, loving, caring, fun and imaginative. I will miss him so much walking by the smoking section at my school and waving to me like this past semester. This past summer and beginning of this year was great with Austin, we had good times and bad times. And, I will never forget him.
I love you Austin
I miss you so much
I hope wherever you are now
Treats you like you deserve

Tiny Things...

So, my friend started sending me pictures of this stuff
not too long ago
finally he just sent me the site
because I just love all this stuff
I know, I'm a total girl
and sometimes damnit
I love my cutesy stuff
check it out:

Tiny Animals on Fingers

Friday, December 15, 2006

The Alphabet and Trust

You know when something happens, that just changes everything... You are going about your day, then someone says something and those few words can shift your entire perspective on your day. It can shift your feelings a full 180 and suddenly you don't feel okay anymore. I had on of those mornings. I was fine until about 10:30am. A friend then proceeded to tell me that something I had told her about had really bothered her. I had told her a secret about me and somebody else and she didn't know what to do with it. She could relate to the problems that both of us were having and she didn't know what to do about these feelings she was having. She also mentioned the pattern I am in and how I can't seem to get out of it. This one really hit home, everything she said made me realize how real the situation was that I was in. Soon enough, the person we had been talking about I talked to and was the worst person to me. Funny thing is, I knew it wasn't about me. It wasn't about the things I had done. It was about his own issues, his own shit. Yet, everything that was going wrong with him, and his own guilt for the situation led him to blame me for everything. He made me feel like shit because he was. Or, I assume this was the deal. I was really upset for a good portion of the morning. I had to go take an exam, which proved to turn out alright. But, this stuck with me, even after speaking to a friend about it. So, after class, I sat outside of my school on a bench and thought. I smoked and thought and thought. And I realized, (after much deliberation about my own ideas and others) that I was letting this person get to me. They were hurting me, and people can only hurt you if you let them. I wasn't going to let this person hurt me. All i wanted to do was be there for that person. I wanted to be there when they needed someone to talk to, when they finally decided to open up, and talk to someone. I was willing to be there. I knew this person wanted me to be there for that too. But once they got a positive reaction out of me, one I finally opened up to them...well they freaked out. Realized that they suddenly were in a position of easily being hurt by me and ran away. That's fine. I have done it many many times. I understand. I don't trust people because they hurt me. But, like I said, I let them hurt me. I don't mean to sound like a masochist. I don't blame it all on me. But, really, if you don't want to be hurt by something, then don't let that person hurt you. They can scream at you, call you names, blame you for everything, but in the end, it's not about you. It's about their projections on you. (Well, that is to say, if you haven't done something terrible or hurtful). I guess my point here is, that no matter what happens, no matter how bad someone will hurt you - and they will - it's going to be okay. Trust is the biggest thing to have. If you don't trust others, it means you don't trust yourself. And, if you don't trust yourself. Well, then what are you doing really? In order to get anywhere, (and by anywhere I mean in order to grow, mature etc...) then you need to learn to trust yourself, and you need to learn to trust others. We can't be narcissistic enough to think we can do everything ourselves, that we can grow and mature without the help of others. Don't get me wrong, we needn't rely fully on others, in fact just the opposite, we can mostly only rely on ourselves. But, in the big picture, you must trust another human being, you must connect with another human being in order to live. To truly live.

Saturday, December 9, 2006

The Picture of Dorian Gray

Sometimes a book comes along that defies all other books.
It just so happens that a book came along a really long time ago and STILL many of you have not read it. That book is: "The Picture of Dorian Gray" by Oscar Wilde. This book is probably my most favorite book ever and I definitely learned a lot from it and look back on it often. I first read it probably 3 years ago and have now read it up to 10 times and I go back and look at quotes in it often. (I highlighted parts that I liked, which I NEVER do) This is probably the single greatest accomplishment by Oscar Wilde, and probably single greatest accomplishment of a novel during his time period. He was a fighter. Oscar Wilde actually was gay during a time when gay men were not looked on very highly. Well, actually, many men were gay during the time, it's just that nobody was open about it. Well, Wilde was, and was banned from England for what the called "homosexual offences". Anyway, the book is a must read. has it on ebook for all of you who don't like to go out and purchase books: LINK
Let me know what you all think of it.
Or if you have read it, let me know what your views were on the piece.
Some of my favorite quotes:

"Those who are faithful know only the trivial side of love: it is the faithless who know love's tragedies"

"Because to influence a person is to give him one's own soul. He does not think his natural thoughts, or burn with his natural passions. His virtues are not real to him. His sins, if there are such things as sins, are borrowed. He becomes an echo of some one else's music, an actor of a part that has not been written for him. The aim of life is self-development. To realize one's nature perfectly--that is what each of us is here for."

"Romance lives by repetition, and repetition converts an appetite into an art. Besides, each time that one loves is the only time one has ever loved. Difference of object does not alter singleness of passion. It merely intensifies it."

"We can have in life but one great experience at best, and the secret of life is to reproduce that experience as often as possible."

"The painting of a sorrow, a face, without a heart" (this one Wilde is quoting Shakespeare)

"Being natural is simply a pose, and the most irritating pose I know"

So, there you have it. Wilde is a damn genius if you ask me. Now go read!

Saturday, December 2, 2006

Mardi Gras

So, my brother and I found this on
earlier today
I have now lost a good portion of my day trying to figure it out
Maybe it's just a scam to get people tol try to figure something out
that has no meaning at all?
Check it out:
There are clues at this site
A painting supposedly drawn by a mentally ill patient
With some sort of phobia-as a clue
What is his mental disorder
and how is it evident in the painting?
If you go to and click on the comments underneath the post
you can see what everybody else thinks
It's up to over 100 comments and it is going up by the hour
This painting contains a sure sign of the artist's mental illness. Can you reveal it?
Here's the painting
Can you figure it out?

1:17am End

i come home
and there are things happening
that are unexpected
maybe that's to be expected
but why is he here?
why is she with him?
i think they were making out
it's across the hall
and it weirds me out
not exactly sure why
maybe i'm jealous
maybe i long for someone to love me
so badly
that everytime
i see somethign resembling that
it weirds me out
maybe everytime i see
some sort of fake encounter
that pretends to resemble love
i get nauseous
i have a tendency to make myself
when psychological things
frustrate me
or anger me
i get angry mostly
i wonder why this bothers me
i just left a party
where i didn't know many people
i met a nice guy
a few girls
i almost wish i hadn't gone everyone was nice
and i'm glad whitney came down to see me
but i didn't want that
i have been locked up in my mother's house
while she has been gone
for the past week
i havent wanted to see anyone
my roomates are mad at me
they dont know why i haven't been here
why i havent cleaned
why i havent told them
i don;t know either
i guess i didn;t feel any obligation to them
i love them
but i needed to be alone
it was nice hanging out with my brother some
we have hung out every night
(except tonight)
for the past few nights
and we've had these great conversations
i'm great im finally connecting with my brothers
i need that
my eyes sting
jose gonzalez wails at me from the left
and i itch my arm
sleep is upon me
i'm sorry this is random
actually no i'm not
this is for me
whoever reads it
i'm happy you read it
and i hope you get out of it
whatever you need to get out of it
i'm going to sleep now
i'm going to try to post on this
every day
let's see what happens...

Friday, December 1, 2006


I guess I have to get off of myspace
according to my brother
i am no longer allowed to post
any blogs on myspace
so, if you want to check out my old blogs
check out:

I suppose I will get more into this
but bear with me
I'm gonna need a bit
to get started
i'm off to my apartment
clean stuff
drink stuff
talk stuff